The Atomic Dog is a weekly feature that isn't necessarily about weight training or bodybuilding. Sometimes it's about sports in general, sex, women, or male issues of some kind. At times it's inspirational, but it can also be informative, funny, and even a little weird, but hopefully, always interesting and a little controversial. We hope it reflects the nature of Testosterone magazine in that, just as no man is completely one-dimensional and only interested in one subject, neither are we. If it makes you think or laugh — or even get angry — it's served its purpose.

Question: What weighs about 55 pounds, is five times stronger than the average man, and typically bites your head or your testicles when it attacks?

A. A ‘roided out Cub Scout.

B. That weird growth on grandma’s neck.

C. The world’s strongest, meanest, anorexic librarian who’s got a really short temper when it comes to overdue books.

D. Your hopped up on meth dwarf girlfriend after she catches you dressing up her best friend, Squeaky, to look like one of those "American Girl" dolls.

E. A Barbary ape.

While any of the above answers might be correct, the answer I’m looking for is E., the Barbary ape. I mention the animal because he plays an important part in a little life lesson that legislators and politicians seem to ignore again and again, regardless of how often or what guise it presents itself.

A few years ago, in France, politicians became alarmed because French street gangs were using pit bulls to attack or intimidate rival gangs. As is custom among cretins, these Yves Saint Laurent boys, or whatever French gangs call themselves, would raise the dogs to be vicious and when not using them for gang warfare, they’d use them to scare the shit out of effete Frenchmen. Worse yet, they’d fight the dogs against each other.

To put a stop to this, the French Government banned all pit bulls. It became illegal to breed them and any existing dogs had to be neutered, tattooed with a serial number, and kept on a chain. This is exactly what local authorities tried to do to me, but the bill fell a couple of votes short in the State Senate. But I digress.

The French thought they had solved the problem. Wrong.

French gang members simply looked for an alternative and the alternative they found was the Barbary ape. Imported illegally from Gibraltar, Morocco, or Algeria, the apes are known for their powerful limbs, sharp teeth, and extreme aggressiveness. What’s more, they regard smiling–showing your teeth–as a sign of aggression.

They also regard other males—even human males—as rivals and will sometimes attack their sexual organs.

A Barbary ape chewing on what might be a testicle.

Some 500 of the apes had been smuggled into France by late 2000 and gang members began proudly walking or carrying the animals around economically depressed areas like the Paris suburb of Aubervilliers. Most eventually found the apes too hard to handle and started looking for ways to dispose of them. Unfortunately, zoos didn’t want the apes because when they’re raised out of their normal environment, they refuse to live with other apes.

Gang members then began leaving the apes outside the doors of animal sanctuaries or simply letting them go...letting them go in the neighborhoods of Paris to break pottery! To mess up cafe’s! To attack testicles! Frenchmen no doubt began walking around with their personal baguettes carefully protected by their cupped hands.

The French authorities simply traded one alleged problem for another that, in retrospect, has to seem a whole lot worse.

Let’s look back into American history for another example of legislation gone awry:

Back in 1919, due to powerful interest groups who were concerned with the negative effects of alcohol, the Congress enacted the National Prohibition act–more commonly referred to as the Volstead Act.

Problem solved. Or so they thought.

In the three months before the amendment became effective, a half a million dollars worth of liquor was stolen from Government warehouses. Only a year into the new law, the federal courts in Chicago alone were backed up with over 600 pending liquor violation trials. Within three years, 30 prohibition agents were killed in service.

Almost 100,000 distilleries, stills, and fermentors were seized in 1921 alone. In 1925, the number jumped to 172,537 and by 1930, the number shot to 282,122. Estimates of the numbers of speakeasies in the country ranged from 200,000 to 500,000.

Whiskey was still considered to have medicinal purposes so doctors were allowed to write prescriptions for it. However, this practice was heavily abused and in 1928 alone, doctors earned over 40 million dollars by writing whiskey prescriptions for supposed ailments.

While the Volstead Act allowed another exception for sacramental wines, the production of the wine rose over 800,000 gallons in two years, causing anyone with a lick of sense to raise an eyebrow.

In other words, despite prohibition, there was a whole lot of drinkin’ going on.

The law had some other unforeseen effects. More women than ever before began drinking alcohol...and this time, in public! Floozies! Drunken floozies roaming the streets! People in general began drinking at an earlier age. Mental hospitals reported a larger percentage of young patients than before prohibition. And, abnormally high numbers of high school age patients were admitted for alcohol psychosis.

By most accounts, the Volstead Act was a disaster, having created more problems than the practice it was designed to eliminate. In 1933, Congress officially repealed prohibition by adopting the 21^st Amendment. So much for that misguided law.

A modern-day example of misguided attempts at controlling perceived problems concerns guns.

Authorities have long worried about semi-automatic weapons. Most laws concerning them have centered on bullshit cosmetic changes like barring the inclusion of bayonet lugs (an attachment under the barrel that allows the user to attach a bayonet). Sure, that makes perfect sense because a guy robbing a 7-11 is somehow more dangerous if he’s got a bayonet attached to his semi-automatic weapon. Not only can he blow away customers and clerks, he can also wreak havoc on the store inventory by gutting some Twinkies.

However, a few legislators have, at least half-heartedly, tried to make some meaningful changes to these weapons. For instance, manufacturers can’t make weapons with high-capacity magazines (those containing more than 10 bullets). This makes it damn inconvenient for gangsters when they have to blow away more than 10 people. It’s downright vexing to have to stop smack dab in the middle of creating carnage.

A high-capacity magazine

Problem solved. Or so they thought.

Despite the restrictions, it remains perfectly legal to "repair" weapons that were owned before the ban. That means that owners of the weapons can buy the new version (the one without the high-capacity magazines) and order "repair parts" for a supposed older weapon. They can then put together a new high-capacity magazine and slap it on the new weapon, thereby circumventing the law.

Of course, gun experts tell me that the ban was of little consequence anyhow because an experienced shooter can swap magazines in as little as 0.75 seconds. Regardless, enterprising collectors have circumvented most gun laws that bar certain weapons or certain aspects of weapons.

The only certainty in regards to banned weapons? Sales of said weapon go up by 15% whenever a ban is even discussed. Furthermore, enterprising businessmen smell a ban coming, buy boatloads of the weapons, store them, and then are allowed to sell them after the ban because of grandfather clauses.

Again, supposedly well-meaning laws or restrictions caused an increase in sales of the very thing the law was designed to curb or eliminate.

Let’s take a look at something nearer and dearer to most of our hearts.

First, a little history: Back in 1999, Biotest began manufacturing a thermogenic supplement called MD6. One of its active ingredients was pseudoephedrine. While most supplement companies used ephedrine, Biotest determined that pseudoephedrine was a safer and better choice.

We sold the stuff for a year and received no complaints of adverse effects—no heart attacks, no exploding livers, not even a case of anal itch. Nada. Still, for some reason, the FDA asked us to switch from pseudoephedrine to ephedrine. We bowed to their "better" judgment and reformulated the product, each capsule containing a modest 8 mg. of ephedrine so that users could more easily adjust the dosage to their needs and tolerance. A scant two years later, the FDA deemed ephedrine to be unsafe and the substance was banned.

No sweat off Biotest’s balls. The legislation simply forced us to create a better thermogenic, HOT-ROX. But not everyone is concerned with fat loss; many athletes miss the mild stimulatory buzz that ephedrine or pseudoephedrine gave them.

As such, they’re looking at allergy medicines that contain pseudoephedrine and are still available over the counter; meds like Sudafed or 24-hour Claritin-D, which contains an incredible heart-thumping 240 mg. of pseudoephedrine per caplet! Did the pharmaceutical industry orchestrate the whole fiasco so they could have pseudoephedrine all to themselves? We might never know for sure.

Other athletes are using methamphetamines or "greenies." This potent drug was the scourge of professional athletics in the 60’s and 70’s and it makes ephedrine look about as dangerous as Skittles candy.

Regardless of whether the athletes choose potent allergy meds or greenies, coaches better keep their cell phones charged so they can dial 911.

No doubt the pending legislation against pro-hormones and pro-steroids will do the same thing: cause athletes to look elsewhere, to begin using steroids from dealers or overseas sources. It’s a fair assumption that we’ll soon start reliving the problems experienced in the 80’s and 90’s: counterfeit steroids, rampant infections, ill-advised protocols or dosages, and the resurgence of steroid-smuggling rings who often aren’t much more scrupulous than heroin dealers.

Way to go, government! I could think of dozens of other examples of how laws have forced people to seek alternatives, but my point is the same.

You need to learn that the indomitable will of man to do what gives him pleasure or purpose can’t be defeated and it sure as hell can’t be legislated. Give up. Make your little laws that have to do with taxes, social security, and Medicare, but stop acting like a Jewish mother. If you restrict our pleasures, we’ll either find a loophole or we’ll use science to find a better alternative, one that hopefully won’t bite you in the testicles.