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Guest Atomic Dog
What They're Really Saying
by Chris Shugart

The Atomic Dog is a weekly feature that isn't necessarily about weight training or bodybuilding. Sometimes it's about sports in general, sex, women, or male issues of some kind. At times it's inspirational, but it can also be informative, funny, and even a little weird, but hopefully, always interesting and a little controversial. We hope it reflects the nature of Testosterone magazine in that, just as no man is completely one-dimensional and only interested in one subject, neither are we. If it makes you think or laugh — or even get angry — it's served its purpose.

1) Can you give me a spot on the bench, buddy?

Can you come over here and upright row 50% of this weight for me in order to inflate my fragile ego?

2) It's all you, man!

If I lift most of the weight while spotting you, will you do the same for me? And do you think that girl over there is watching us?

3) I don't want to get too big.

I'm a total newbie who has no idea what it actually takes to get "too" big.

4) My new year's resolution is to lose a little weight.

You won't see me here after February.

5) I'm thinking of buying a Bowflex.

I could use a new coat rack.

6) I'm thinking of getting that gastric bypass surgery to lose weight.

I don't have enough discipline to become anorexic on my own, so I was thinking of having it surgically induced.

7) Dude, is that all you can bench press?

I'm fat and women won't talk to me, but dammit, I'm stronger than you!

8) Throw another sixteen plates on the leg press!

Instead of doing half-reps, I'm going to now demonstrate quarter reps.

9) AAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

May I have your attention please. I will now curl/power clean this barbell. Aren't you all impressed?

10) Um, sir, you can't deadlift in this gym.

You're scaring the housewives and making me feel inadequate. Please stop lifting heavy weights.

11) We offer personalized training for a small fee.

For a huge wad of cash, one of the college kids who works here will lead you around to different machines following the exact same program we put everyone else on. As a bonus, he will talk about his annoying roommate and what he watched on TV last night. Sometimes he will offer professional fitness tips like "good job" and "now let's do this machine."

1) Do high reps to burn the cuts into your quads.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I'm big so people will listen. Luckily, my great genetics and massive steroid usage more than makes up for my complete and total lack of knowledge.

2) Yes, I admit I've used steroids in the past, but I have seen the error of my ways.

I just upped my dosage to four grams a week. Will somebody please give me a trophy and a contract with a supplement company now?

3) For the Mr. O this year, I'm going to go all natural.

My doctor said I could fall over dead any minute so this year I'm going to cut my steroid use down by a third.

4) Brand X supplements helped me gain twenty pounds of muscle and lose thirty pounds of fat!

I'll say anything and promote any product for a buck. The career of most pros is very short so I have to get all the money I can now. Say, who wants to buy my posing trunks? Never washed! Come on, ya know you want 'em!

5) Professional bodybuilding is a 24 hour a day job. It ain't no walk in the park! We work hard!

You think it's easy jumping out of cakes at gay birthday parties four times a week? Luckily my sponsor/sugar daddy supports me so I don't have to do that very often. And how about all that sleeping and eating? You think that's easy?

6) I'm going to kick that T-mag editor's ass!

The truth hurts.

1) 47 Page Bikini Spectacular!

We don't have much to offer in the way of training or dieting articles, so we fill the space with strippers the editor-in-chief is banging or trying to bang. Besides, being a stroke magazine for teenagers pays better than writing about bodybuilding.

2) Glute Training Special!

Here's some homoerotic photos of a big guy bending over. Perfect for closeted gays too embarrassed to buy a real porno mag.

3) Lose 10 Pounds of Fat Overnight!

Buy our supplements!

4) Build 23 Inch Guns!

Buy our supplements!

5) Mr. Olympia Reveals His Arm Training Secrets!

We has some freelance writer watch Mr. O train, then write an article using his name. You guys don't really think Mr. O can write his own articles do you? Oh yeah… buy our supplements!

6) Have More Sex!

Whoops, ran out of bodybuilding info again.

7) Supplement Battlefield! We Put Them To The Test!

We pitted our brand of supplements against four other brands no one has ever heard of ('cause we made 'em up). Sure enough, the supplement company that owns this magazine won the contest!

8) Extreme Biceps Blasting!

Here's the same arm training article we've been running since 1974, only with new photos and a new title.

9) Build Cover Model Abs!

Oh sure, it's just another article about doing crunches, but we put this pretty boy on the cover to catch your attention. Of course, this guy has had great abs since he was 12 and doesn't really train them all that often. But you bought the magazine didn't you?

10) Myostatin Blockers Are A Scam!

We don't sell them yet. As soon as we can, we'll change our minds and say they work better than steroids.

11) Our Biggest Issue Ever!

We added twenty additional pages of ads for penis pumps and "posing videos."

1) I've been doing lotsof research about steroids and have a few questions….

I'm about to ask some really stupid questions which will prove that I haven't done a lick of research except for asking the big guy at my gym what to take.

2) How do I get big? How do I increase my bench press? How to I drop fat?

I'm too lazy to read the articles in T-mag.

3) That diet didn't work for me.

I thought I was more knowledgeable than the author so I upped the calories, switched around the macronutrient ratios, didn't use the supplements recommended, and came up with my own training program.

4) I weigh 260 and bench 500 pounds.

I weigh 195 and bench 250 with really bad form.

5) My bodyfat percentage is 3%.

I tried every possible method of measuring bodyfat until I found one that gave me the number I needed to bolster my self-esteem.

6) Yo, 'sup with my peeps and playas?!

I'm white, middle class, and in need of a sense of identity.

1) I just don't think you love or appreciate me anymore.

It's time to buy me more jewelry.

2) Do I look fat in these jeans?

Tell me how great I look. The level of believability and enthusiasm implied in your answer will determine whether you're getting any of this ass tonight, regardless of its current size and shape.

3) Let me set you up with my friend. She's got a great personality.

She's fat.

4) She's mature and voluptuous.

She's old and fat.

5) She's not ugly, she's just average looking.

Oh yeah, she's ugly. Circus freak ugly. "Got to be on Jerry Springer" ugly.

6) Boy, am I tired tonight.

Don't even think of coming near me with that thing tonight. Maybe if someone around here would wash the goddamn dishes every once in a while, I wouldn't be so tired!

7) Do you really love me?

Where's the ring, you bastard!?

8) I need a little time on my own. I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.

I'm going to go have sex with other men. Lots of other men. More than one at a time.

9) I think our relationship should be about mutual respect and sharing.

Get your head under the covers, stud. You ain't finished yet.

10) Excuse us, guys, but we're going to the ladies room.

We gotta go take a leak and talk about your penises for a while, okay?

1) I don't recall.

I shredded everything and you can't prove it!

2) I did not have sex with that woman.

She gave me sloppy blowjobs. Hey buddy, if your wife had icicles hanging off her cha-cha like mine does, you'd be looking for some stray tail too!

3) It is up to Iraq to prove they are compliant with UN regulations.

Come on, Saddam, will you please screw up one more time so I can bomb the ever-lovin' shit out of you once and for all?!

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