There are literally thousands of bodybuilding tools on the market today. These include exercise gadgets, athletic training devices, books, videos, and supplements. They runthe gamut from complete garbage to products you shouldn't live without. It's probably no surprise to you that most of these toys and tools fall into the recycle bin category.

Therefore, we've decided to act as a sort of bodybuilding Consumer Reports and review all the various stuff aimed at the typical Testosterone consumer. Don't worry, though, we won't waste your time writing about the infomercial crap you see late at night on cable. Well, maybe we will, but just so we can poke fun at it and humiliate the shills who push this crapola.

Instead, we'll focus on the more serious side of training devices and information sources. That doesn't always mean we'll give the product a glowing review, but we won't waste the space reviewing something that you and everyone else already knows sucks. And since we don't accept outside advertising here at the web site, we're free to tell it like it is without having to worry about da man telling us what to think about a product.

Each product will be rated on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the best. At the end of the article, we'll tell you where the items can be purchased.

The X Vest

We reviewed another company's weight vest in a previous column and gave it a thumbs up. Soon after, T-mag got a call from the maker of the X Vest saying, "If you liked that one, you'll love ours! It's the one Charles Staley recommends!" We took him up on the vest vs. vest challenge and he sent us a 40-pound model.

I liked the X Vest immediately because it was so adjustable, something you don't find with most cheap weight vests. The vest is made of 400 Denier Nylon treated with an anti-bacterial and anti-microbial and has a moisture absorbing liner. The way it's designed you can get it super tight. This is the only vest I've tested that really does fit like a glove. It actually stays in place when you do plyometrics and run stairs. I also found the X Vest to be much flatter that its competitors. This is nice for things like push-ups as it allows almost a complete range of motion.

One reason the vest fits so securely is because it's designed to produce dynamic respiratory resistance. The theory is that when the vest is cinched up tight, it creates a dynamic force against your abdomen and chest cavity, thus resisting respiration. This is said to aid in the development of lung volume and capacity. The higher the volume of O2 in your system, the better your performance, endurance and recovery. I don't know about all of that, but I do know the X Vest is high quality and fits better than any other I've tried. And yes, I contacted Charles Staley and he really is nuts over this vest.

The normal price of the vest is $249 for the 40 pound model and $199 for the 20 pound model. However, if you tell George over at theXvest.com that you read about it here at T-mag, he'll knock that down to $199 and $169 respectively (plus shipping). I'd suggest going ahead and getting the heavy one because you can always lighten it up by taking out some weights if needed.

Rating: 9 — CS

Boblbee Backpacks

A few months ago I was planning a trip to Mexico and a trip to Thailand. I wanted a new backpack that would survive the trips, protect my camera and computer, double as a gym bag, and look like nothing else in existence. So, like a woman on a quest for the perfect pair of Gucci pumps, I began my search. It didn't take long to find the Boblbee company.

You've seen Boblbee packs in the movie The Fast and the Furious (the bad guys on motorcycles wore them) and Charles Angels (the girls wore them when attacking the enemy's stronghold, you know, right after that scene where Cameron Diaz unzips her wetsuit.) Competitors in the Testosterone fueled Raid Gauloises also sported Boblbee packs in this year's competition in Vietnam.

What makes Boblbee packs different is their hard shells. Originally designed as "urban backpacks," most Boblbee packs have storage areas for laptops, cell phones, and other electronic gadgets. These days the packs are used in a variety of sports and seem especially popular among inline skaters and cyclists.

These packs have the kind of look you either love or hate. I happen to love how they look. The designer wanted not only a perfectly ergonomic pack, he also wanted it to look cool. (He's helped design the Alpha Romeo automobile, racing boats, and Carrera sunglasses among other things.) I think he succeeded as the packs always drew attention and comments in the three countries in which I've taken them.

Design aside, did the dang thing work? Yes, both packs I tested (the Megalopolis and the smaller Peoples Delite) were comfortable and hardly look used despite the miles I've traveled with them. They have lots of little hidden pockets, handy cargo netting, and a sunglasses/cell phone case. The only accessory I'd wished I'd ordered was the water bottle holder.

Complaints? Not many. Due to the hard shells, you get exactly the cargo space you pay for as these aren't very "stuffable" packs. No big deal really. The prices are pretty high, but you do get what you pay for in this case.

So if you're a world traveler, a student, or you just want the most unique looking gym bag on the planet, check into getting a Boblbee. (Special thanks to Mara at Boblbee who made sure I was sent packs in Testosterone colors.)

Rating: 9 — CS

Chemical Pink: A novel by Katie Arnoldi

Aurora is small time competitive bodybuilder, but she has the genetics and the desire to make it to the top. Charles is a "sponsor" for many female bodybuilders, meaning he's a pervert with more money than he knows what to do with and a taste for manly looking females with clitorises the size of Ballpark Franks and back hair. It's a match made in hell and the premise of Chemical Pink by Katie Arnoldi.

Although this is a work of fiction, it's based on real, behind-the-scenes nastiness found in top level bodybuilding. Arnoldi has been involved in the bodybuilding scene for some time. She was a competitive bodybuilder herself at one time and has trained among the "stars" at Gold's Gym Venice since the 80's. She also consulted with a couple of well-known contest prep experts (read: steroid gurus) every step of the way. As such, the story rings true as Charles helps Aurora transform into a walking abomination of the human form, known in some very tiny circles as a champion female bodybuilder.

T-mag readers who've read our "Underground Tap," "Dead Pool," and "Venice Beach Sex Cult" articles won't be surprised by what really goes on in professional bodybuilding. Still, reading about the sacrifices, the prostitution, and the pharmacological excesses in novel form is pretty hair raising, even if you think you're jaded to this stuff. I can only imagine what the na?ve and sheltered "fitness enthusiast" would think when reading this book, if he or she can even get through some of the more gruesome scenes. (I lost my appetite at least twice reading this one!)

Arnoldi does a pretty good job with the technical details although some of the language is a little stiff (all the characters use the full chemical names of drugs instead of street names as they do in real life.) She does a very good job capturing the relationship between Aurora and her daughter, which dissolves the closer she gets to her contest and the more she focuses on winning above all else.

Most of the characters seem to be composites of real people but some are really easy to spot. One very minor character is named Baran "The Bat" Hacker who's entire ego seems to revolve around his nickname. (Hmm, could that be Aaron "Batman" Baker?) Arnoldi also nails the typical "sponsor" in the character of Charles. It's about time these shadowy, yet always present fetishists were brought out into the light.

So, is it a good book? Yeah, it's a fun (if disturbing) novel. It's not grand literature — the ending is abrupt and the characters a bit flat and stereotypical — but it makes great "light" summer reading. In fact, it's kind of a binge read and you'll be tempted to knock out all 270 pages in a sitting or two. I read it in one plane ride.

Rumor has it that Pink may become a major motion picture with Chuck Palahniuk penning the screenplay and David Fincher directing, the same guys behind Fight Club. Nothing is set in stone, however. A big Hollywood movie about bodybuilding? I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

If you're a fan of pro-bodybuilding you may not like this book. Arnoldi takes an unblinking look at what really goes on behind those smiling, distorted faces on the cover of Flex and illustrates that, in this sport at least, you sometimes have to hit bottom to make it to the top. It would be tough to keep that autographed picture of your favorite pro on the wall after reading Chemical Pink. The truth hurts sometimes. If Dan Duchaine had been a writer of fiction, this is the book he'd have written.

Rating: 7 — CS

GripSaver Plus

Made by Metolius, the same climbing company who makes the Rock Rings reviewed in the last installment of this column, the GripSaver was designed to strengthen and balance the muscles of the hand, wrist and forearm. Professional climbers can suffer from injuries to these areas because they overuse the flexor (closing) muscles but seldom use the reciprocal extension muscles. This is sort of like training the biceps every day but never training the triceps. Imbalances and subsequent injuries can occur. Weight trainers and other athletes can also suffer from this problem because we're always gripping barbells, dumbbells, chinning bars, waitresses' cute little be-hinds etc.

The GripSaver is basically a squeezable ball with rubber rings attached for the fingers. The ball itself only provides light resistance; it's the bands that really work your fingers and wrists. (Keep in mind this isn't really a grip strengthening tool; it's more of a rehab/preventative device.) Basically, you squeeze the ball then extend the fingers to hit those seldom trained extensors.

I liked the GripSaver. Considering that I'm a lifter and someone who spends a lot of time typing, I worry about carpal tunnel syndrome. A little work on the GripSaver should help prevent this.

The only criticism I have is that you can perform almost the same exercises by wrapping a rubber band around your fingers and extending them. (Or as TC would do, use the little blue band that comes wrapped around your broccoli.) The GripSaver works a bit better than that, plus you get the flexion motion as well. But if you're broke and you eat broccoli, a rubber band will work in a pinch.

Rating: 7 — CS

The Promise: Fat Loss and Fitness System by Derek and Don Alessi

It happens like this: you have a friend, family member or co-worker who wants to get into this whole fitness thing. You introduce them to T-mag and they run screaming because some of it is a little advanced, we use big words, and we sometimes talk about our peckers. So, desperate to talk them out of a BowFlex and Slim Fast plan, you tell them to go buy Body For Life. Hey, you think, at least it advocates weight training and eating plenty of protein, even if it does have that Wally Cleaver looking assmunch on the cover.

Well, now you can clear your conscience and instead recommend The Promise, written by T-mag's own Don Alessi and his brother Derek. The Promise covers all the basics like diet and training, plus it dispels a lot of the most common myths about getting shape. There are sample meal plans, workouts, exercise illustrations, and a good Q and A section.

The Promise is a book for beginners, but even the most advanced T-mag reader can pick up a few things. I found the part about how food manufacturers twist their label claims around to be very informative and disturbing. (Ask yourself, how does "fat free" Pam cooking spray have no fat yet it's made of pure oil? Don't know? The book tells you how they get away with this.) The book is also available on an audio CD read by Derek Alessi.

I found the book to contain good, solid info but it may be a bit basic for T-mag readers interested more in bodybuilding than simply getting into shape. I highly recommend it for those just starting out, however. Beats the snot out of Body for Life!

Rating: 7 — CS

Contender Hightop SZ11 Lifting Shoes

Regular readers of this column are aware of my ongoing lifting shoe fetish. And though you've heard this before from me, the Contenders are my "new" favorites. Black, not running too high over the ankles, comfortable from the get-go, and best of all, very flat-soled and supportive, these babies have been indispensable for my powerlifting workouts. I've put the Contenders through everything there is to do with them in a gym, from heavy calf raises to Olympic lifts to wide stance squats, and never have experienced a single squeak or moment of wondering if they'd hold up.

Stability is paramount when in the squat rack and on the platform, and the Contender's consistently provide that. Even with my feet spaced as wide as the rack for box squats, my shoes remain planted on the floor with no pronation or supination. When performing heavy good mornings, the same thing happens: nothing. To me the real test is heavy stiff-legged deads and calf work, and I'm excited to report that these babies treat me well. My feet don't slip inside the shoe and the sole grips tight to whatever surface I'm on, so all my concentration goes into the job at hand. Plus they're light enough that I don't stomp around the gym like Frankenstein.

When I pull the Contenders out of my gym bag and change into them, it's almost like they know that serious work is ahead, a balls-out session is coming. Lace them up, pull the strap across the laces, and one important element of your workout is solidly in place. Plus, they're cool looking and comfortable!

Rating: 9 — JK

Smoked Emu Snack Sticks

If there's anything unifying all weight trainers, it's our love of and need to constantly be consuming food. Protein is of course the mainstay, but sometimes my taste buds get bored with the same old tuna, chicken, beef, eggs menu. Give yourself a low-fat, high protein break by eating Smoked Emu Snack Sticks. That's right, the bird that runs around Australia turns out to be carrying meat higher in iron, protein and vitamin C than beef, and it's lean to boot! Even better, emu has the highest conjugated linoleic acid (CLA) content of any meat tested. All you have to do is catch the critters.

ProLean markets Smoked Emu Snack Stick, stating that their product is a natural red meat with no hormones, steroids or antibiotics, and has a complete amino acid profile. But how's it taste, you ask? I liked it. The flavor is fairly strong, but good. Not having had emu before in any other form, I don't know how much of what I tasted is the smoked effect, but I really enjoyed this stuff. It became one of my favorite bedtime snacks and it's ideal to take along with you for driving trips.

One Emu Stick (individually wrapped) contains 26 grams of protein, two grams of carbs, and 2.5 grams of unsaturated fat. Each stick is 140 calories. According to the producers, emu meat contains the highest concentration of essential amino acids of any meat tested by the USDA, ever. This product comes in two flavors, original and jalapeno. Prices run about two bucks a stick, about what you'd pay for one of the better quality protein bars.

For weight trainers on the go, emu could prove to be a great alternative for your taste buds, yet still keep you lean and in a nice positive nitrogen balance!

Rating: 7 — JK

Brent's Hardcore Powerlifting Video

Just when you think all bodybuilding videos are looking and sounding the same, along comes Brent Mikesell (holder of the biggest competitive squat of all time) with his entry in the training video sweepstakes.

This is a one hour, fully narrated tape emphasizing the squat, but also including some bench press and deadlift info. In addition, Brent goes through all the ins and outs of using bands and chains for all three competitive lifts, including attaching them, modifying the tension, and utilizing them to your best training advantage.

So far this sounds pretty traditional, doesn't it? It's not, though. Watching this tape I was very surprised and impressed by unusual camera angles and how clearly the viewer was in the mind of the editor. All the squat workouts, for example, are shot directly from the side of the lifter, from the shoulders down! No heads are visible; it's all about the legs and the weight. Initially this was confusing, but after a short while made perfect sense and was a revelation.

As far as direct usefulness, Brent Mikesell's training video is heads and shoulders above the masses; he's always telling the viewer important and effective methods and tips that will prove immediately helpful in the gym. After all that, if you can't get motivated by watching footage of Brent squatting his record 1074.7 pounds in competition, then you can't be helped.

Rating: 9 — JK

Where to Buy

For more info on the X Vest go to theXvest.com, call 800-697-5658 or write to info@theXvest.com.

For more info on Boblbee packs, check out boblbee.com. If you're in Vegas, stop by their store at the Aladdin Hotel. Prices run from about $160 to $220 for big fancy limited edition models.

Chemical Pink is available at major bookstores and Amazon.com for around $12.

The GripSaver can be found in sporting goods stores that carry climbing gear and can also be purchased at MetoliusClimbing.com for $15.

The Promise can be purchased from AlessiFit.com. The hardcover book is $27.95 and the two CD audio book runs $19.

Contender Hightop SZ11 training shoes are $119.95, available from safe-usa.com.

Emu Snack Sticks are available through Johnson Emu Inc. at JohnsonEmu.com. Fifteen sticks run about 30 bucks.

 Brent's Hardcore Powerlifting Video is available for $39 from Brent Mikesell, 1128 W. 18th Ave., Spokane, WA 99203. (BrentMikesell.com)